There are usually signs leading up to a relationship’s end. Distance, frequent fighting, loss of appetite, and then when it finally happens….when the inevitable culminates to ‘the talk’ and the break is finalized in words, an emotional breakdown begins taking place. Loss of appetite may ensue, intake of alcohol increases. Outlets are examined. I seem to have mastered the art of distraction – doing things, anything, to avoid addressing my feelings.
Hurting hurts too much.
I run or walk to lose my mind in the city and its activity, its views. I play music loudly and let the melody envelope me to discourage sadness. I bury anguish deep into the woodwork of pub tables and the shrill notes of a laugh. The digestion of pain is nauseating and so I do not let myself be still enough to let it happen. But it does. Memories seep out unexpectedly and jolt me into feeling something despite best efforts. Love’s residue lingers inside like a nasty hangover. Except this hangover isn’t abated with pills or more poison, just time.
And then there’s the worst. There comes galloping behind in a cruel frenzy at vulnerable moments – regret and doubt, the mistrusting of initial gut instincts that led to this point. I am asphyxiated by insecurity and a hazy future. This is, after all, the disintegration of a life I had been living for quite some time. I am so uncomfortable, because what lies next is new and different and, possibly, wrong. Life cannot be clear-cut, how effortless and dull that would be. Things thrown at you are sometimes the most perfect. This was not something that fell on my lap though. It was chosen. Possibly one of the most difficult things about growing up is becoming accustomed to making decisions for yourself. I am losing an entire person, a good person, and I decided to lose them. Unhappiness and discontent on my part led me to inflict harm, to say goodbye. It is a disgusting feeling.
Time and expression help to heal, but it sure does hurt right now. I guess I’ve been suppressing things for awhile and these words needed to come out today to mitigate all the pressure. It helps to write things down, to look at how I feel and what is happening right now.
I would be afraid of myself if I did not feel this way. If I was not so sad.